कन्यादान (Kanyadaan)

Bangles and make-up, pretty braids maid and wedding photographer, holy fire and a teary-eyed father……if this is the scenario playing in your mind after reading the title, then I am sorry (not sorry) to burst your bubble and bring you into the ground reality!

Google and our elders describe Kanyadaan (कन्यादान) as a symbolic marriage ritual where the father of the bride takes his daughters’ right hand and places it in the groom’s right hand, requesting for him to accept his daughter as his equal partner. The literal breakdown and translation of the word ‘Kanyadaan’ = Kanya (girl) + Daan (donation/gift) So, it means giving away your daughter to someone as a gift or donation. This so-called good deed (पुण्य) has been enrooted in our cultural values since forever. We celebrate and conduct this ritual with great zeal and emotions. How blind are we to the fact of the mere existence of such a primal symbol of patriarchy!

24 years after my existence as a girl who grew up dreaming of a beautiful perfect marriage, I feel debilitated for the drama of patriarchy that is being played in our big fat Indian weddings. I would never want to be GIVEN/LIABLE to someone as a donation. I am sure many of you reading this would say that I am just a young stupid feminist who wants to vent her anger and that the word ‘kanyadaan’ is nothing like what I have mentioned above. It is a respectful ritual in a marriage.

Why is there never a Kunvardaan? (कुँवरदान) Sounds weird to even read it right! It might be due to the fact that a girl is the responsibility of a father first and then her husband. So why not just give her away and called it Kanyadaan! A simple explanation of a complex question that no one ever asked.

What kind of society are we if we still glorify kanyadaan under the pretext of a good deed (पुण्य)? If you really want to earn some benevolence, treat your children equally and please do not glorify the tradition of REQUESTING someone else to marry your child.

To all fathers out there – you are always your little girl’s first idol, and it is your responsibility to teach her that she and only she can be the knight in shining armor of her life!

-Apurva

Photo by AMISH THAKKAR on Unsplash